


Mina's Good Idea

by obsessivemuch



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (TV)
Genre: F/M, Parody, Romance, anime dub
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-01-01
Updated: 1999-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 15:32:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivemuch/pseuds/obsessivemuch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Mina has the idea to trade Darien in for a better model?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mina's Good Idea

**Author's Note:**

> This was the very first story I ever finished simply because one morning at 4 AM, I decided I wanted to write a story about Darien and his flaws. Generally, he is (was) one of my favorite characters but after watching part of R, I always want him to drop off the Earth. As for where it fits in the timeline, it can be placed anywhere after they break up, but before Rubeus is destroyed. Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko, DIC, and several other corporations. I wrote it as a parody to all the other fics out there that I've read that were bad. Yes, this one is intentionally bad. It's also meant to reflect the beginning of my fanfiction writing.

The day had started like any other. Serena jumped out of her bed, wailing like a banshee. "I'm late, I'm late," rang through her house like there was no tomorrow. She went to school without much enthusiasm, knowing that she'd probably fail her geometry test just like she always did. Then she saw Darien and ran towards him. "Darien," she wailed plaintively and almost broke his eardrums.

"No, Serena, I don't love you anymore," Darien stated without even listening to her wails. As he turned away, a sly smirk stole across his face.

"But I'd be willing to cut my hair for you," she said, prostrate on the ground.

"OK," he answered, glancing to see if anyone he knew was around.

She looked at him and said, "I wasn't serious, you know."

"I know, but I just decided that I wanted you back. After all, one girlfriend is better than no girlfriend," he stated plainly. Her smile at his response pleased him. She's such an airhead, he thought merrily to himself. Easy to trick into bed. As his mouth curled up in anticipation, she launched herself at him.

"I love you, Muffin," she cried as they both fell to the ground.

"Easy, Meatball Brai...I mean, Head. Ditto," he replied seriously.

"Darien, I always meant to ask you. What does "Ditto" mean?" she said, holding his arm tightly and staring up into his face adoringly.

"It means I feel the same," he said. When he saw Andrew approaching, he pushed her away. After all, he had a cute younger sister. Serena latching onto him again marked the end of the appearance of Andrew.

Suddenly, Rubeus showed up to destroy the world again. "Aha, I've finally discovered your true identity, Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask."

"The proper term would be identities," said Darien, sounding pompous and stuffy.

"You're so smart," Serena said, with hearts in her eyes.

"Transform," he told her and silently added a "baka" on the end of his command. As they both transformed and Serena began yet another corny speech, Rubeus suddenly shot a ball of energy towards the other Sailor Scouts when they appeared from thin air. Tuxedo Mask changed into Prince Darien and proceeded to faint as if Sailor Moon had already been hit.

"Wait, stop the fight," yelled Mars. Rubeus disappeared quickly as she walked over to where Darien lay and tapped him with the heel of her shoe. "I think he's pretty out of it."

Venus asked timidly, "Do you think he overdosed on his 'special' medication again?"

"I know something that ought to wake him up," said Amy excitedly. She then demonstrated a move that she'd picked up in her karate class. It consisted of kicking Darien in a place that would affect his ability to have children (or perhaps explain Reenie's satanic manner).

"Awesome move, Amy," complimented Lita. "I need to join that class."

Raye stared meditatively at him and tried the same move. All Prince Darien did was roll away in pain and moan, "No, Zoisite."

"Must be flashbacks from the Negaverse. Why don't we just get a new prince?" Venus asked in her superior tone. At the others' surprised looks, she added hastily, "I'm just tired of her (indicating Amy) getting all the credit for being the smart one. Raye gets to be the spiritual one, Lita gets to be the strong one, and Amy gets to be the intelligent one. What do I get to be? The pretty, airhead one who reminds everybody of Serena. I'm sick and tired of it, I tell you," Mina finished angrily.

Every head swerved toward Amy who had pulled out her ever-present computer to analyze the data. "Sure, you can share the position with me," Amy said, slightly bitter.

"Wicked cool," was all Mina said.

Meanwhile, Lita, who'd been getting tired of being removed from all mention, interrupted the group. "What about buddy boy down there? He is Sailor Moon's prince, remember."

Speaking of Sailor Moon, the scouts swerved their heads that way. "I'm suing the studio for whiplash," one of the scouts muttered. Sailor Moon lay in a dead faint.

"I hate that telepathic link," said another indistinguishable voice.

"This means we're going to have to suspend production while we hold auditions for a new prince," Raye murmured resignedly. Another two months taken away from my vacation. It wasn't the first time, either.

Venus stared dumbly at the sleeping prince. "Did I miss something? Why is Darien just laying there?"

"Oh, good. Here the ditz comes again," uttered Lita while Amy jumped up and down at the full return of her position as genius of the universe.

As if Mina remembered everything, she exclaimed a random thought. "Why don't we get that hunky Prince Diamond or his brother, Sapphire?"

Lita thought about it for a minute and said, "Let's go for Diamond. He reminds me of . . ."

"MY OLD BOYFRIEND, FREDDY!" said the rest of the scouts without a thought.

"Every guy reminds you of him," said another unknown voice under her breath.

"Besides, Raye already had Serena's love for a boyfriend. You can't have one, too. It'll make the fans jealous and angry," said Venus in one of her more impressive speeches.

"I think we should go for Sapphire. He's such a Darien lookalike that people will never know the difference," Raye said with a glare at Venus who just smiled angelically. Maybe I'll have a better shot at him. After all, Serena had Darien and obviously couldn't keep him happy.

"Well, Amy. I guess you get to choose," Lita said dubiously.

"Let's make Greg the prince and rename the show Sailor Mercury," Amy said dreamily.

"Snap out of it, girlfriend. Choose already," Mina said loudly.

Mercury blushed and pulled out her computer. Raye grabbed it from her hand and shouted, "No, choose from your heart. I hate this little computer." When she looked closer, she began to laugh. "Stick figures and hangman. I don't think our little Amy can read, guys. So much for the genius of the universe, huh?"

"No," Mercury screamed. "You dimwits are so far behind me. I already know all the answers. I just get so bored that I need something to do. Everything is already obvious. Like the fact that Reenie is Serena's daughter from the future. Of course, you are so stupid that you don't even realize that maybe they're related." Her tirade ended as the other scouts tried to process the news with cries of disbelief (Lita), joy (Venus), and anger (Raye).

"You promised you'd love me forever," Raye said as she dropped to the ground next to her love and started shaking him hard. He moaned again and started to rouse from his deep sleep. A hard push to the ground laid that event to rest quickly and Raye looked up at Lita.

"He's not worth it. Plus, Amy did not say he was the father. Besides, I want to get rid of the scumbag, not wake him up," she responded determinedly to Raye's inquiring look.

"You're right, Lita. Thank you so much," she hugged her friend hard.

Suddenly, Luna showed up. "Well, scouts, have you made a decision?"

"No, Luna," the girls chorused. "Amy gets to choose."

Out of nowhere comes a game show announcer's voice. "It's time to play everyone's favorite game, Pick the Prince. Behind door one, a handsome single guy looking for a pretty blond who wants the rule the world by his side. Behind door two, another handsome single guy who wants a wife to help him serve his brother as he rules the world. Contestant Amy, make your choice in the next three minutes or DIE."

Amy sighs, looks at Sailor Moon, and looks at the nearly dead prince at her feet. "I guess Serena would choose door number one." At her words, an enchanting green-haired woman drops dead with a single cry. A silver-haired man walks over her prone body toward the scouts.

"Poor, pitiful Emerald. I will rule the world. And I will make Serenity mine," Prince Diamond said in an evil voice.

"Uh-oh, I forgot he was evil," said Venus in her fluffy blond voice.

"Speaking of problems, what are we going to do about him?" Lita mused and pointed at Darien.

"Why don't I just take care of him?" suggested Raye sweetly.

"No way, girlfriend. If anyone's due for a new boy, it's me. After all, DIC cut my episode and everyone else has a boyfriend," Mina said petulantly.

"I have a much better idea, girls," said an evil voice that they had not heard in years. Jedite smiled at them in his wickedly winning way.

"Who's he?" said Lita and Mina in awe.

"The enemy," said Raye and looked menacingly at him. "What do you want, Jedite?"

"All I want is to propose a deal. Your prince for this one(indicating Diamond)," he answered rapidly.

"Why? What do you want with Darien?" asked Amy suspiciously.

"Let's just say Queen Beryl is a little bored in her prison and would like some company," he said in a very suggestive way. "She won't ever bother you again. And I have the power to make him good again," he said persuasively.

"Sure," said all the scouts but one.

"I don't wanna give him up," Raye cried.

"Look at it this way, Mars. You still have Chad," said Amy in a logical voice.

"Why do I get stuck with an airhead musician for a love interest? Why can't I have a smart one for a change?" Raye complained.

"Because I was the first scout to fight with Serena, I have the most intelligence, and...wait, I don't want Greg either. All we ever do is talk about homework. He's the most boring person I've ever known," Amy said sadly.

"What about me? I have my best friend as my love interest. I want someone dashing like Freddy, not like Ken. I already know everything about Ken," Lita added her own comments to the mix.

"What about me? I don't have anyone," Mina cried loudly. Her own sobs were almost drowning out the conversation.

"Let's switch boyfriends," said the one who always came up with bright ideas.

"Sure, Lita can have Chad. He should be plenty exciting enough for her," Raye responded.

"Raye, you can have Greg. He ought to be smart enough for you," Amy said enthusiastically.

"Ken's all yours, Amy," Lita said with a devious smile.

"WAHHH! What about me? I'm still left out," Mina cried harder.

"Don't worry. I'm sure that we'll find someone for you," Amy said comfortingly.

"Do you think?" Mina asked interestedly.

"Oh, yes. You have far too many fans out there," Lita added (only to get her own two cents in).

"OK. I say we give Darien to Jedite there," Mina said quickly.

"Well, Raye. Are you willing to give him up?" asked Luna whose voice had been notably absent from the whole thing (mostly because Lita's hand had been covering her mouth).

"Pshaw! As if I need the heartache he's caused me. I have Greg now," Raye said happily.

"Wonderful. I'll just take him off your hands now," laughed Jedite. Darien's prostrate form disappeared and Diamond's smile was noticeably less evil.

"What happened?" he asked dazedly.

"Well, Diamond, here's how the system works. You see, you're a college student who is dating Serena but also loves her as the Moon Princess and protects her as Tuxedo Mask. Your nickname for her is Meatball Head..." Luna filled him in on every little detail of Serena and Darien's previous relationship.

He hastily tried to absorb all the facts as she told him. But his gaze kept wandering to his beloved goddess lying so still. "Can I wake her up now?" he finally asked with a hint of impatience.

"No, you have to leave so we can explain the new system to her," said Mina pushing him towards his new/old apartment. "Artemis (who appeared out of nowhere) can show you where you live."

"That's my job. To only show up when I'm useful," he mumbled under his breath.

"Be nice or no kitty food tonight," Mina said in a sweet tone of steel.

While Diamond and Artemis disappeared around the corner, the other scouts woke up Serena. She looked around as if she was waiting for Tuxedo Mask. "Where did he go? Did you let them take him? We were finally back together again and you all go and ruin it," she wailed with her normal passion.

"Aw, get over Darien. He's so yesterday. We've found someone even better for you. His name is Diamond and he's prince of an actual kingdom," Mina said comfortingly.

"Besides, he's a hunk too. Isn't that awesome?" Lita added hopefully.

Serena's tears stopped suddenly. "Well, I guess he sounds OK. Still, how are we going to explain to the audience about Darien's sudden disappearance? They're not that stupid (or are they)?"

"It's simple, you airhead. We just recycle some footage from the first season, hire a new voice actor, and presto, we have evil Darien for a few episodes. He fights you and you defeat him. Eventually, you're swept into your new eternal love's arms and the world is right again until the other sail..." Luna scratches Raye's arm "...Until more enemies arrive," she finished up, cursing the acrobatic cat.

"And I get a new love interest. Right, Raye?" a blond piped up behind Raye.

"And Mina finds someone new to love," Raye added in a bored and annoyed tone.

"What happened to Darien anyway?" Serena asked. After all, she had loved him for almost a whole season.

"He went where all unusable characters go. Sort of like Molly and Melvin after this season. He got sucked into the Negaverse," Amy said while the others snickered behind their hands.

"I'm still not sure, but I guess I'll try Diamond out. I mean, Darien was a loser who couldn't find his way into a black hole if he was standing on the edge of it. A whole season as Sailor Moon and it takes him 30 episodes to figure out I'm Sailor Moon. As if!" she exclaimed with anger and disappointment.

Later that evening, all the scouts except Mina went on a date with their new love interests. Their new girlfriends entranced the three boys. Greg loved Raye's fire and found it far better than Amy's icy nature. Chad found a woman with tons of "talent" and kindness toward him. At least he didn't have to defend himself from flying projectiles. Ken and Amy got along well because they were used to being the buddy types with no other roles in life.

Even Diamond took Serena on a date. Although he flubbed up a lot (he kept calling her Dumpling Head), she had a blast with him. He worshipped her and referred to her as Goddess or Beloved. Darien, who had never treated her well, slipped further and further from her mind. The next morning, all the scouts went to work expecting a good fight. However, it seemed the Moon Princess was in a temper tantrum phase. The phase meant that nothing could be done except to find Prince Diamond and hope he could talk her out of her current rage.

********************************************************************

Meanwhile in a dark corner of the Negaverse, a certain dark-haired man thrashed around a bed while a red-haired evil queen drooled in delight. With a start, Darien woke up. "No, she's found someone else. How can that be?" he howled in anger and long-denied lust.

Beryl just smiled and said innocently, "Oh, you mean your Moon Princess. Yes, she traded you in for a new model."

"What?" he howled again in rage. Then he realized where he was (remember Darien has always been a little slow on the uptake). "Beryl!" he cried in horror.

"Hey Loverboy," she said seductively. "Remember what we shared a few months ago?"

He looked around in fright before realizing the awful truth. There was no one to help him. He transformed into his dashing Prince Darien form and placed a sword at the throat of the wicked queen who held him captive. "Here goes nothing," he murmured and plunged the sword into her throat. She disappeared before it even nicked her.

"Well, I guess that gives me some time. I am Prince Darien, sworn protector of Princess Serenity. In the name of the Earth, I will destroy those who sought to separate me from my Meatball Head," he proclaimed to the empty room. Then he realized he should probably find a way out of the Negaverse and went in search of a portal to lead him to Earth and the hated scouts. Plus, he wanted to pound that horrible Prince Diamond who would think of taking his starring role. He got paid way too much to give it up on the whim of those psychopathic scouts.

*******************************************************************

Slowly, Diamond had wormed his way into Serena's heart with his words of love and acts of worship. Three months had passed since the day Rubeus had last attacked them and the whole world seemed to be at peace with itself. Reenie fell in love with Diamond even if he didn't have any cute nicknames for her. He was a nice guy whose love for Serena outweighed any objections the scouts might have had. Which was an unlikely event considering all the scouts liked their new boyfriends immensely. Prince Diamond had done a remarkable feat and healed his younger brother, Sapphire. Upon his return to good, Sapphire fell in love with Mina and worshipped her almost as much as his brother worshipped Serena. Life was perfect until the day Darien reappeared in their lives.

"It may have taken me three months (remember slow), but I've finally escaped from the Negaverse. I've come to destroy Prince Diamond and the scouts and take back my girlfriend, eternal love, etc," Darien announced as he appeared out of a portal. And my starring role, he added silently. The five couples looked at him in shock as he tried to transform into Tuxedo Mask but failed miserably. "What's happening to me?" he cried in anguish.

"Cut the melodramatics, loser. Diamond here is Tuxedo Mask. I don't want you. Besides, you're not in this scene. We already destroyed you. I don't want to go the anguish I had to suffer when I destroyed the evil version of you," Serena said harshly to her ex-boyfriend. She gazed adoringly at her new boyfriend who watched her with just as much adoration. The sight enraged Prince Darien and he approached Diamond with his sword drawn.

"Don't you know that love is supposed to have some obstacles or else it isn't perfect? I hereby challenge you to a duel for the hand of the fairest maiden in the land," Darien spoke loudly.

"Of course, I accept. But I'd still have to say our love is very perfect. Will you still be here when I come back, my ONLY love? This loser shouldn't take long to defeat," Diamond said to Darien and Serena. He transformed into Prince Diamond, wearing silver armor identical to Darien's black armor.

While Serena blushed and nodded, Darien attacked Diamond. The swordfight was very exciting and inspired many bets. Both were excellent swordsmen and had equally good skill. Raye and Mina took the side of Darien while Lita and Amy supported Diamond.

However, the true surprise was the reappearance of Beryl. The evil queen nodded regally at Serena. "Princess Serenity, I've come to reclaim my property."

Serena smiled at the beautiful woman and pointed at Darien. "Feel free to take him back. I don't need him to cause trouble in my perfect life."

As Beryl flew away with Darien (all the while crying to himself) in her grasp, Serena leaned into Diamond and said, "I really won't miss him at all."

And Darien was never seen again.

For continuity's sake, it turns out Diamond is actually the father of Reenie and he rules peacefully with his beloved wife, Neo-Queen Serenity. The scouts continue to trade boyfriends simply for variety's sake. And Beryl...Beryl was very happy once she taught Darien how to be a real man.


End file.
